For women without a steady partner, the occurrence of ED can be startling and unexpected, to say the least. Few women are prepared to deal with it since it is the rare man who will tell a date beforehand that he has erectile problems, whether they happened only once or are a part of his daily life. One of my female patients put it this way. “I’m twenty-five years old,” Sandy told me. “I work out at the gym three times a week so I’ll stay in shape. I’m really aware of how I look, and I like it when men are attracted to me. But then I went out with Sam a few times and he couldn’t get it up. I couldn’t believe it—he’s only two years older than I am! It’s just impossible for me to believe that a guy that young could have erection problems. It made me angry, and then I found myself not liking him as much as I thought I did.”
Sandy’s reaction was based on her own narcissism; she fully expected a peer to have as much control over his own body as she did hers. When I informed her about the new oral medications for ED, she was skeptical. “I don’t see how that can change anything for us,” she stated emphatically. “He needs help, but I’m not going to be the one to tell him where to get it. I’m sorry to sound so unsympathetic about it, but now he’s not so appealing to me. It’s like all those muscles he’s been building are fake.”
Then there is the perspective of Angela, a thirty-three-year-old whose six-month relationship with Pete was marked by his ED right from the start. “I know it might sound odd,” she told me, “but Pete’s condition didn’t bother me that much; in fact, it drew me to him. I felt sorry for him and I was happy to be sympathetic. And despite his problem, he did everything he could to satisfy me sexually. I mean, it was a good situation for me—and he certainly didn’t seem to mind. But now that this pill is available I’m uncomfortable. I don’t want to change what we have.”
In this case, Angela’s narcissism is fed through her role of caretaker. It’s not surprising that she feels threatened by something that can supplant that role and remove her position as sexual superior.
Single women, whether they are just beginning a new relationship or have been seeing a man for a while, should be aware of the new medications. While it’s probable that ED has not yet touched their lives, it’s just as likely that, at some point, it will. But at the same time, they need to take a look inside and ask themselves what they really want from a relationship.
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