Finding out that your child is sexually active can be a tremendously confronting time for parents. Kids grow up so fast that, in some respects, it can come as a shock when they are at an age when they want to do it. Parents may feel very protective of their child, fearing that they will get hurt, get pregnant or pick up an infection. Growing independence means an element of risk-taking and that always makes parents feel nervous too. While some parents might flip out at the discovery of a packet of condoms in their child’s bag, others can cope with the concept of their child being sexually active. The issue of where the kids ‘do it’ seems to create quite a dilemma for many parents. One mother said, T want to know she’s safe but I just can’t have her boyfriend stay overnight in our house with her. I appreciate the fact that she is responsible with contraception and that sort of thing but I just don’t want it waved under my nose. I can’t bear the thought of chatting with them over the cornflakes in the morning knowing what they’ve been up to.’
Helen is sixty-four. ‘After Bob and I got married we moved a fair distance away. It was virtually a weekend trip to visit his parents. At first his mother would make up the single bed for me and Bob would have to sleep on the lounge. After a while we just said we would sleep together in the single bed or we wouldn’t come and stay anymore, so she gave in and made up the double bed for us. Every couple of hours during the night she would come into the room and “tuck us in”. We laugh about it now, but it was a real pain in the neck at the time.’
Richard says he was the one who was embarrassed about his girlfriend staying overnight. ‘One night after a party my girlfriend and I just fell asleep talking and didn’t wake up till morning. I heard my mother coming down the stairs. I quickly covered Rachel with an eiderdown and tried to act nonchalant. Mum asked me if I’d like a cup of coffee and I said yes, thinking she hadn’t noticed anything. Then she asked if Rachel would like one too.’
A lot of the reaction depends on the general level of communication in a family. Parents who have bad memories of their own early sexual experiences may be reminded of those bad experiences and react to that as well. Some parents and children are very open and comfortable talking with each other about sexuality, while others are decidedly uncomfortable. Some schools have excellent relationship and sex education programs in place with specially qualified teachers but it is certainly not universal.
Jenni remembers the sex education classes they had at her girls’ school. ‘Sex education was all about periods and not getting pregnant. They showed us a pathetic film called The Yellow Dress that was so full of euphemisms that we couldn’t make head or tail of any of it. When we were about thirteen we had a doctor come to the school in our Science lesson and the main point she wanted to make was that you could get pregnant from heavy petting. One of the girls put up her hand to ask what heavy petting was and the teacher told her not to be insolent. None of us had a clue what it was.’
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