The power of the peer group varies from culture to culture around the world. In a study of the attitudes of young people in Europe and America, some interesting differences emerged. It was found that young people in Europe are more likely to turn to their friends for advice on sex and contraception than their American counterparts. In Germany, a high proportion (sixty-three percent) would also seek professional advice, and they are more likely to talk to their parents than read the information for themselves.
Overall, young people in America and Europe feel that they are able to discuss sex openly and candidly with their friends, and only a minority feel inhibited to talk about the subject. There was a greater reluctance to talk to their parents, with less than half of those surveyed feeling comfortable discussing sex with them. Indeed a lot of young people said they avoided the embarrassment totally by not discussing sex with their parents at all. In terms of national differences, Germans expressed least embarrassment, whilst the French were the most inhibited.
It seems that whichever country we look at, there is a major communication problem between parents and children when it comes to sex. That’s obvious from the hundreds of letters sent to magazine advice columns. So many of the letters I get start ‘I just didn’t know where else to turn’. No one says it is an easy thing to talk about freely. There are a lot of barriers in the way. One man told me that his parents were totally unwilling to talk to him about sex. ‘I think it was something they hoped I would just figure out for myself. The only clues I got were from school. I went to an all-boys Catholic school and the priests did their best to give us “personal development” lessons. It didn’t occur to me until some years later that this was an attempt at “sex education”, although the word “sex” was never actually mentioned, so the messages were so obscure that they were incomprehensible. When it came to talking to my own kids about sex, I didn’t know where to start!’
So there are generations of parents who have not been taught how to talk about sex, leaving them ill-at-ease with the subject. That is what a ‘taboo’ is all about. It excludes discussion of any sort, and is the greatest barrier to communication between parents and their children.
One widely held myth about sex education is that if you tell young people too much about sex, they’ll go and try it all out. Let me say right here that there has never been any evidence that information about sex leads to promiscuity. On the contrary, it is believed by the experts in the field that withholding information is fraught with danger. Moreover, providing sexual information has been shown to delay the age of first intercourse and prevent unwanted pregnancy.
What we really need is a total restructuring of sex education. In our culture, sex education has traditionally been about biology and physiology, carefully avoiding issues like eroticism, pleasure, negotiation, responsibilities, and choices. This is the really useful information that will determine the success of future sexual relationships, yet this is left to the informal and often inaccurate chats between same sex peers. This means that boys and girls may never get the opportunity to find out about the sexuality of the other gender, and it explains why down the track so many couples in longterm relationships have never learnt to talk to each other about sex. There is a growing awareness among sex educators that one of the main barriers to sexual intimacy for young men is lack of confidence in themselves. Unwilling to admit to any gaps in their sexual knowledge, they cover their feelings of inadequacy with false bravado.
I have said before that sex education is a lifelong process beginning at birth and continuing in millions of tiny lessons. Adolescence is a time when that education needs to be accelerated. Information needs to be tailored to prepare individuals for their first sexual encounters and that information has to be explicit, detailed and easily understood.
Adolescence is also a time when parents are forced to see their children in a new light, but relating to your children doesn’t mean dressing like a teenage pop star. Why can’t we celebrate the differences? Parents can appreciate and accept a young person’s fresh approach to life, and the wisdom and experience of the older generations can be a source of great (ability and security for the young.
Guiding a young person through their adolescence is a huge responsibility and a great challenge. One of the biggest challenges is to find the delicate balance that builds on the security and support they feel as children, but still manages to acknowledge their growing independence. One of the difficult issues is privacy. Where do you draw the line between interest and interference? What is often perceived as secrecy in a young person is in fact the expression of a need for personal space. It is a necessary part of the process of defining ourselves as individuals with rights. Hard as it may be to accept, it is a violation of those rights to read a diary, or listen in on a private telephone conversation with a friend. In general practice I am occasionally confronted with an indignant parent wanting to know the details of consultations with their sons or daughters. In Australia, once a person reaches the age of fourteen they have the right to medical confidentiality. I have to explain that it is not some sort of conspiracy; it is an ethical matter. If a young person did not feel they could speak to their doctor on a confidential basis, many would rather suffer in silence. It would be a disaster if young men or women were discouraged from seeking advice about sexually transmitted diseases or contraception for fear of punishment by their parents (whether that is a realistic fear or not). Obviously there are times when we would encourage the involvement of one or both parents, but that must always be with the consent of the patient.
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