Adults often talk about the moodiness of adolescents, complaining that their easygoing child has become ‘difficult’. Have they forgotten their own adolescence, and how hard it can be to adjust to its many and rapid changes?
Before adolescence children are self-centred, and are happy as long as their needs and desires are satisfied. They just tact to their feelings as they come, without thinking about why they feel as they do or why they want things. As an adolescent you gradually become more self-aware, seeing yourself more in relation to the people and world around you. You become more introspective as p start asking yourself who you are, why you exist, and what the world holds in store for you. You become more critical and analytical in your thinking; you begin develop opinions on such matters as politics, religion and how people should have. These are difficult matters at any time, and many adolescents go through a lot of confusion and uncertainty while trying to work things out.
As well as trying to make sense of the world, you have also to cope with the changes in your body and new, powerful and often disturbing sexual feelings. Then there’s the increased demands of high school studies, a further responsibility expected of you, and the intensified competitiveness of everything! It’s remarkable that most adolescents adjust so easily. But it’s also not surprising that most will have some ups and downs, and it’s often a time of varying amounts of strife within the family.
A common complaint about teenagers is that they withdraw from the family. This seems to me an understandable reaction when they’re on the way to becoming independent adults. Changing an important relationship from one of dependence to being equal adults takes time; you can have very mixed feelings about it. Parents also have mixed feelings and can resist the changes. They may see your withdrawal as rejection of themselves and family values (which may be partly true), but often it’s just that you need more time alone to think things over, and more time to talk with your friends (and to hang on to your position as one of the gang).
Are hormones making you moody?
There seems no doubt that hormones, especially sex hormones, affect our moods, but so do many other things. It’s easy to blame hormones for teenage ups and downs, but we don’t really know how important they are. We know that sex hormones (mainly androgens) are responsible for the increased sex drive that comes with puberty and that hormones influence premenstrual mood changes in women. Otherwise the effects of hormones on adolescent moods are not well understood.
Getting on with family
Some other complaints from parents about teenagers include: messiness; rowdiness; clumsiness; lack of consideration; fighting with sisters and brothers; bursts of anger, rudeness, sullenness; and as for their music and clothes – intolerable! In some households there seems to be constant war between the oldies and the adolescents, which doesn’t contribute to a happy home or working things out.
There needs to be a lot of give and take for families to survive their kids’ adolescence without some casualties. The tolerance has to come mainly from the parents (because you’re still learning it) in the form of gritting their teeth and praying that you’ll soon get through ‘that stage’. But if you push them too far they’ll blow their top. Remember that parents also have rights and are justified in insisting on some rules for peaceful living. How would you feel if they played their Mozart as loudly as you play your rock, or wanted to monopolise the phone for hours most evenings?
You’ll probably go through stages of thinking that your brothers and sisters are creeps. At the same time they no doubt have similar feelings about you. Yet I believe that within the family you learn more and better than anywhere else about arguing, fighting fairly and making up quickly. There’s no joy in holding grudges or resentment against someone you live with.
Getting on with your friends
Hanging around with friends and being part of a group is very important to a majority of teenagers, and most find a gang of friends who share their interests and pleasures. But being accepted isn’t easy for everyone. There are always those who are loners or different. If you quarrel with one of your friends or fall out with your group, you must decide whether you want to make up. If you do, swallow your pride and make the first move. You’ll soon find out if you’ve done the right thing.
Getting on with yourself
This can be hardest of all. You may go through periods of feeling awkward, shy, inadequate, stupid, ugly, unloved and miserable (when everyone around you seems to be calm, happy, successful and popular). You wonder if anything good will ever happen for you. Fortunately something usually does come along to lift your mood and restore your optimism.
You might be surprised to know that most adults also go through these crises of self-confidence. Healthy adults are more experienced at dealing with them and knowing that there’s usually a light at the end of the tunnel.
Some people seem to be born confident, but most of us take years to develop what the psychologists call self-esteem -a sense of our own value in the world. Everyone has different ideas on what you need to like yourself and be happy (well, most of the time). I believe you need things to believe in, things to aim for, things to look forward to and most importantly, people to love and to love you (which really means family and friends).
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